Learning that your child is experiencing suicidal thoughts can be very upsetting. It is really important to take a deep breath while remaining calm and composed. Many times, a child is watching for your response and will use you as a model for how they should respond to a situation. This is where your own listening skills and personal stress management become essential. Though placing blame on yourself, the school, or your child can be a natural reaction, it’s important to remember that blame jeopardizes the ultimate goal of creating safety and support for your child. Even if your child is angry and blaming you or others, stay calm and remember this is not your fault. There are often many factors that lead to suicidality and not just one situation or incident. 

It is best not to argue with your spouse or other family members in front of your child experiencing suicidal thoughts, as this can lend itself to the child feeling like a burden to the family. The act of arguing can center the parents’ emotional needs, while further isolating the child in crisis. It is recommended to take an approach of, “We are a family and we are in this together.” Take it one step at a time, until you can get the support that is needed.

Talking to your child about how they are feeling can be difficult. It is important to ask your child how they are doing and to reassure them you are there for them and want to hear what is going on in their life. Listening without judgment and validating their feelings is very important to your child. We often talk about three magic words which are “tell me more”. This is a great way to get children to trust you and open up. It is never easy to hear the emotional pain of a child, but it is so helpful to allow them the opportunity to have an honest conversation about their behavioral health.

These are exactly what they sound like– factors that can support a child during their life. It is best to support and encourage these factors. They can be things such as:

• A relationship with someone that loves them unconditionally
• A trusted adult they can talk with, who will truly listen to them. This may not be the parents, however it is important for you to know who your child’s trusted adult is (i.e. Coach, Teacher, Clergy, Family member, etc.)
• At least one friend.
• Participation in community, school, religious, or cultural social activities. 
• The opportunity to contribute to others in a giving or helpful way.

Feelings: Expressing sadness, helplessness, emptiness, desperation, and hopelessness about the future.

Actions: Displaying overwhelming emotional pain or distress, frequent visits to the school nurse, actual threats, unusual patterns of tardiness, or absences from school, concerns expressed by other students. Self-medicating in response to emotional or physical pain. Giving away cherished items.

Changes: Showing changes in behavior, including withdrawal from friends, social activities, anger or hostility and changes in sleep or appetite. An increase in risky behaviors that pose danger to self and/or others.

Talks or Threats: Saying or writing actual threats, things like “I can’t do this anymore”, “I am done,” “I don’t want to live anymore.” Look for writing/discussion about or making plans for suicide. Saying goodbye or expressing a desire to escape.

Situations: Experiencing stressful situations including those that involve loss, change, create personal humiliation, or involve getting into trouble at home, in school or with the law.

These signs may be expressed in person or possibly on social media or your youth’s digital platforms.

None of these signs are predictive in and of themselves of suicidality or crisis, but may offer an opportunity to communicate with openness and curiosity about your youth’s wellbeing.

If your youth is saying they want to hurt or kill themselves, or someone else, or they have worsened to the point that their behaviors are risky and dangerous, you can call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. Phone counselors are available to help you assess risk and identify the most appropriate psychiatric hospital, mobile crisis response team, or other resource to support you and your youth.

Different cities and counties in the Bay Area have different teams to respond to mental health crises. These teams look different in each county and city, but generally include a combination of trained mental health clinicians, paramedics, and/or police officers. Some of these teams are also dispatched via 911. For Alameda County, you can call 911 and request a Community Assessment and Transport Team (CATT). Generally, 988 can refer and connect you to the most appropriate mobile response dispatch.

The way you bring up the subject is important. You need to remain calm regardless of their reaction in order to have a serious conversation. It’s common for your child to be self-conscious about what is going on and it may be hard for them to admit they have a problem. It’s important you don’t shame your child for needing treatment or use the threat of treatment as a punishment. Focus on the fact that you care about them and you want to find a way to help them feel better. Ask for their input into the problem and listen to their opinions.

A child that feels forced to get treatment isn’t likely to be motivated to participate in treatment. Talk honestly and openly about what changes you have seen in them and that you are concerned for their wellbeing. Express that you value their opinion and would like to collaborate with them on seeking out the best treatment. Make a plan with them about getting treatment and use creative incentives to motivate them to follow through with the plan.

Talking to your family and friends is an individual choice. Some family and friends might be supportive, however, some might dismiss your concerns. Use your judgment and talk to people who will support you and your youth. Talking about mental health concerns can help you feel less alone and may provide you resources you didn’t know you had. As you decide to whom and how you want to communicate the situation, be sure to respect your youth’s privacy, collaborating together who you want to tell and how much you want to tell them. Many people struggle with suicidality and mental health issues so it is important you model for your children that they don’t need to be ashamed of what is going on and that asking for help only makes them stronger.

You do not have to tell the teachers at school, however, it might be helpful for them to know any strategies you are working on with your child so they can use them in the classroom. The more communication you have with your child’s teacher, the better they will be able to support them when you are not there.

We cannot control what other people think, however, many times people hold their beliefs because they don’t understand suicidality or mental health issues. Educating others on what a mental health issue is will help them understand they are complicated and have many contributing factors. Just because a child exhibits mental health issues, does not mean the parent is a bad parent.

As a parent, you are always welcome to call 988 or the Parenting Stress Helpline listed below, and a qualified Crisis Counselor can hold space for you to process the complex and dynamic feelings that arise when supporting a child in crisis.

A safety plan is a document that supports and guides someone when they are experiencing thoughts of suicide, to help them avoid a state of intense suicidal crisis. Anyone in a trusting relationship with the person at risk can help draft a safety plan; they do not need to be a professional. The plan should include: what is putting the individual at risk, coping strategies that do not rely on the presence of others, ideas that connect them with people they trust, methods to reach out to family or friends, ways to keep the environment safe, and the number to the Suicide Prevention Hotline. This plan can change as the circumstances for the individual change and can be revised accordingly.

As a youth starts treatment, the intensity of the suicidal ideation may reduce but thoughts may still persist. What treatment can offer the youth is learning how to manage suicidal thoughts and feelings. Don’t expect one session or even a few sessions with a behavioral health provider to “fix” the problem. Also, if your child seems “back to normal” directly after a 72 hour hold, do not assume that the problem is solved. This assumption is often misleading, and may lead to the premature denial of essential follow-up support for your child. It has taken time for the child to get to where they are today and it will likely take time for them to learn to manage their thoughts and feelings. We also know that for some children the road to recovery becomes a lifelong process. Remember if you don’t give up on your child, they will learn not to give up on themselves. The process is easier with both you and your child working together.

National Helplines/Hotlines

• Poison Control: 800-222-1222
• Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 (note: you will be connected with a call center based on your area code)
• Crisis Text Line: text "SAFE" to 741741, English and Spanish
• Parenting Stress Helpline (Family Paths): 1 (800) 829-3777
• Family Education Resource Center: (888) 896-3372
• National Parent and Youth Helpline: (855) 427-273

Mobile Crisis Teams

There are various mobile crisis teams throughout the Bay, it can be overwhelming to navigate. To locate the most effective mobile crisis team in a given location and time, you can call 988 for support.

There are many mobile crisis teams in Alameda County alone. The Community Assessment and Transport Team, or CATT, are dispatched through 911 if you specifically request for them. *Police officers may be the first to respond and assess whether the CATT is required.  

Safety Planning and Mental Health Apps

• Promly
• Virtual Hope Box
• My Life My Voice
• Headspace
• Calm
• Aura: Meditations, Sleep & Mindfulness

ORCA

• ORCA website
• ORCA intake line: (800) 260-0094